


How do I go on?

by dragonwings948



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Gallifrey (Big Finish Audio)
Genre: Audio: Gallifrey: Time War 3, Crying, Friendship, Goodbyes, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Hurt No Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-25
Updated: 2020-11-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:35:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27706367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonwings948/pseuds/dragonwings948
Summary: How Romana's decision on Unity affects Leela and Narvin.
Relationships: Leela & Narvin & Romana, Leela & Narvin (Doctor Who), Narvin & Romana II
Comments: 5
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> ...I'm sorry......

_“I no longer wish to be a time lord. I want to forget all of it. I want to erase the person I became.”_

_“I know what you’re thinking; I’ve felt that way before. But you_ can’t, _Romana.”_

_“It’s my only choice!”_

Narvin looked closely at her face. Firm. Resolute. _Tired._ So, so tired. He knew fighting with Romana was always a losing battle, but this was one skirmish he simply couldn’t afford to lose.

“If this is about throwing your life away—”

“Of course it isn’t.” Romana sighed, her voice calm once more. It struck Narvin that she was already resigned to her fate. In her mind, it couldn’t even be debated. “I’m doing this to give the three of you the best chance to get away and not be pursued.” She scoffed. “You can’t tell me there’s a better way.”

Narvin stayed silent. He swallowed. She was right.

He couldn’t meet her gaze any longer. The reality of it was starting to wash over him. Over the past several years, one of his biggest fears had been losing Romana. Once, he’d nearly destroyed the universe for the sake of that fear. But this time there was no clever way out. More than that, this was what she wanted.

It didn’t mean he liked it.

“How do I go on without you?” The words slipped out without his say so, the sum of all the thoughts and fears swirling around in his head.

“Oh, Narvin.” Romana stepped closer. “You have Leela now.”

Narvin bit his lip, still looking down at the ground. Of course Leela was just as important to him, but it was different. The three of them needed each other. With Romana missing, it wouldn’t be the same.

“You’ll keep going like you always do,” Romana continued. “Most importantly, you’ll be safe.” She took his hand in both of hers.

Narvin looked up sharply. They had been very close friends for a very long time, yes, but touching…that wasn’t something they did. That wasn’t something _time lords_ did.

She pressed his hand and Narvin’s eyes stung with tears. He blinked, trying to force them away. “Romana—” The rest of the words were lodged in his throat. He didn’t even know what to say. After all they’d been through, all they’d sacrificed…

How did he say goodbye?

“Stop it, Narvin. I’ll need your help in convincing Leela.”

He managed a small chuckle at her undeniable tone of command. He swallowed back his tears for a moment and nodded. “She’s going to try her hardest to stay.”

“And we have to put all our efforts into getting her to leave, so it’s best if we…say goodbye, now.”

All at once, Narvin knew he couldn’t fight his tears. Though they stood in complete silence for several seconds, he felt everything unspoken and it was almost worse than words themselves. Memories flashed through his mind and he pressed his lips together to keep them from trembling.

Romana spread her arms with a small smile. “Just this once?”

Narvin swallowed hard, trying to steady his voice. “Just this once.”

Romana stood on her toes to hug him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Narvin carefully settled his arms around her, but he couldn’t stop himself from squeezing her close like that would stop her from doing this.

“Thank you, Romana,” he breathed, the tears hopelessly tracking down his face. “Thank you for everything.”

Romana squeezed him back. “I couldn’t have asked for a more loyal friend.”

She drew away and Narvin had to let her go, but he immediately turned from her to wipe away his tears and saw Romana do the same out of the corner of his eye. He chuckled a little. Still emotionally restrained time lords, to the last.

“Well,” Romana said, drawing herself up. “I suppose that’s that.” She met his eyes one more time, her gaze clear and sure. And yet—the sadness of ages filled her look. “Goodbye, Narvin.”

He knew what she was planning, and he knew that her plan could go a million different ways. It was possible he’d see her again, but more than likely…this was it. He took a deep breath, reminding himself that this was her choice, her sacrifice. How had it taken him so long to see that she was just the President that Gallifrey had needed?

“Goodbye, my lady.”

A smile barely touched her lips.

Narvin turned away again.

He had his answer. He couldn’t go on without her.


	2. Chapter 2

The console room was silent.

If there was a word for how Narvin felt, it was _numb._ He had Leela, yes, but he’d lost Romana. How was that fair? Just for once, couldn’t the universe be kind?

 _I don’t deserve kindness,_ Narvin reminded himself. If he was a less practical sort of man, he might have wondered if all of this was indirectly his fault, some sort of strange karma chasing him wherever he went.

Somehow, he doubted that was the truth. Life was simply unfair.

“Rayo,” Leela said, breaking the stillness. Her voice would seem calm to most, but Narvin knew her well enough to detect the quaver in her voice. “Would you stay in here while I speak to Narvin?”

Narvin frowned at her, wondering what she wanted, but she didn’t look at him.

Rayo nodded. “Of course.”

Without any further ado, Leela immediately walked further into the TARDIS. Narvin hesitated, but when Leela said, “Narvin, come!” he knew he had no choice.

“Just don’t touch anything,” Narvin cautioned Rayo gently.

“Got it.” Rayo’s gaze remained downcast. Narvin reminded himself that the boy’s world had just been completely turned upside down. Yet, Narvin didn’t know how to comfort him when he’d just lost so much himself.

“Narvin!” Leela called.

“All right, I’m coming!” He turned and followed Leela’s path into the corridor where he found her standing beside the very first door. Every muscle in her body looked tense, but she kept her face turned away from him.

“In here,” she said, opening the door. Narvin didn’t have the heart to tell her that this was his own room and he’d much rather use another in which to talk. Dim lights flickered on as they entered, reflecting the grim atmosphere.

As soon as the door closed behind Narvin, the tension in Leela faded. She looked at him, mouth half-open like she was going to say something, but all that came out was a strangled sob.

Narvin started forward to help, but Leela held out a hand.

“I could not let Rayo see me like this,” she said, the tremble in her voice more pronounced. “I must stay strong for him.”

“Leela—”

“Let me finish.” She took a deep breath, but Narvin heard it catch. Tears sparkled in her eyes. “You must tell me that we will be able to find Romana again.”

Narvin felt his own tears returning and know that they’d come in full force if he wasn’t careful. He’d only made it this far by not thinking about what had happened—by not thinking about _Romana—_ but now, Leela was bringing him back to the reality he didn’t want to face.

“I…I don’t know,” he admitted.

Her expression changed in a moment and she suddenly rushed forward to pin him against the wall. “You must tell me!” she yelled, the pain in her voice unrestrained as tears flowed down her cheeks.

Narvin breathed a shuddering sigh. “Leela,” he choked, “I—”

“No!” She drew away just as quickly as she’d advanced. “I will not accept that Romana is gone. I cannot.”

Narvin remained silent. How could he even begin to tell her it was all right when it was anything but?

“You do not understand,” she continued, pacing quickly back and forth. I…I…” She clenched her teeth and finally spat out, “I _hated_ you both! I blamed you for what happened with the Master, for sending me to this world and this time I did not know; and yet, the last thing I wanted was for you to find me.” She came to a stop and laughed bitterly amid her tears. “Those were the things I told myself because hating you was much easier than missing you.” Her voice broke and then softened as she went on.

“I missed you with every part of me. But I did not tell Romana— I said I did not trust her, and now…” Her hands clenched into fists and once again her voice rose to a plaintive cry. “Narvin, how can I go on when I know that Romana will not be there?”

Emotion swept over him again like a tidal wave. He went to Leela and she immediately grabbed him in a tight hug as both of their bodies shook with sobs. Narvin clutched her to his chest, never wanting to let go again, to protect the only family he had left.

“I don’t know, Leela,” he managed to say. “I just don’t know.”


End file.
